The debris World Cup left behind

THE first World Cup hosted in Africa is over, bar the shouting. The accolades are still pouring in about how South Africa pulled it off with FIFA boss Sepp Blatter giving them nine out of ten on his scorecard. This flies in the face of skeptics (in Zimbabwe we call them enemies), who doubted that an African country could successfully host the world’s biggest sporting event.

Some question whether hosting the event was worth it. The overwhelming result is that it was. Not only is South Africa endowed with world class stadia, there is other infrastructure, roads, the Gautrain and the rapid transit transport system that stay behind as legacies of the World Cup.

There is also the legacy of all the sports programmes, poverty aleviation initiatives and education schemes that have been established in the name of soccer. Not to forget very rich sex workers.

The Mexicans and their sombreros, the Ghanaians, Nigerians, Ivoirians with their masks and drums, the Brazilians doing their samba, the Dutch smuggling in German Bavarian beer and the English, well, quaffing it in huge quantities, all added to a colourful event that will take ages to erase from the minds of many.

Vuvuzelas silenced

However, a regrettable fallout from Mzansi 2010 is the fact that not many sporting disciplines will tolerate the 127 decibel horn – the vuvuzela. Brazil says it is likely to ban the vuvuzela at the 2014 World Cup which it is hosting. The ubiquitous vuvuzela, which has spawned a culture that has changed how the game is supported forever, is also to be banned by some English Premier clubs when the new season begins – Tottenham and Arsenal have already imposed a ban.

Birmingham City, Everton, Fulham, Liverpool, West Ham United and Sunderland have followed suit. Oh Bollocks!

Manchester City and Chelsea – though not encouraging their fan – have no plans to ban them. Yay! That explains why I support Chelsea, well sort of.

Other sporting events where you are unlikely to hear the vuvuzela include, all golf tournaments, the 2012 London Olympics, Wimbledon tennis tournament, cricket test matches and equestrian events.

Gizmo soccer ball to replace the Jabulani?

Mexican scientists (who knew they existed?) are working on a new ball that will beam out TV replays and light up in bright colours when it crosses the line. There is no guessing what has motivated these designers based in Mexico City.

The ball, to be packed with cameras, lights and a GPS chip but still weigh the same, is sure to clear up refereeing gaffes like the one that cost England a goal when they went down 4-1 against Germany.

For Alberto Vilarreal, an industrial engineer leading the project, a groveling apology by FIFA chief Sepp Blatter won’t be necessary with his contraption.

“What we wanted to do with this ball is to demonstrate how a product that historically has not changed can be innovated and taken in a new and completely different direction,” he said.

Well that sounds more wayward than the official Jabulani ball itself which has been criticised by players at the 2010 World Cup for being ‘unpredictable.’

The designers accept that conservative FIFA will reject the ball outright. That won’t stop the creative mad scientists from being touted as the first to invent a soccer ball with all the bells and whistles. This can’t be real … is it?

Paris blows a cloud

Paris Hilton was arraigned for questioning for dagga possession, twice. Well the second time she was caught was far away from South Africa. On both occasions, she has denied culpability and has got away with it. Well, even former American president Bill Clinton admitted that he smoked grass but incredibly did not inhale.

This is indicative of two glaring facts: It seems the drug has a liking for the hotel heiress and keeps popping up wherever she is, and secondly, something strange happens to the arresting officers to the extent that they are obliged to release her.

I am sure it has nothing to do with the fact that she is the daughter of one of the richest people on the planet. It’s just a coincidence. In Zimbabwe it’s called chioko muhomwe, literally meaning ‘hand in the pocket.’ But I can bet that if she had been caught in Zimbabwe, she would be singing the blues at Chikurubi as we speak. If there is one thing our cops are efficient in, it’s busting people for dagga possession.

New English word enters dictionary – SUAREZ

As a direct result of the game between Ghana and Uruguay, and the ‘goal’ (that would have been and never was) that would have kept Africa in the hunt for World Cup glory, a new word has been introduced in the English language.

SUAREZ (Verb) (a) To viciously and proactively inhibit or halt the progress of a person, an establishment or a nation. For example, ‘The team’s opportunity to score was SUAREZed by a member of the opposing team.’

(b) To act in a way that is deliberate and intentional, though spontaneous, yet calculated to frustrate the advancement of an adversary. For example, ‘As pressure built up in the dying moments of the game, a shot at goal was SUAREZed by an opponent standing next to the goal post.’

(Noun) (a) A state of being, where all your efforts are visibly and overtly being frustrated and impeded. For example, ‘I am in a state of SUAREZ, please don’t stress me further.’

(b) A purposeful behaviour intended to disregard rules or engagement so as to prevent an opponent from eminent victory. For example, ‘The first thought that came to Fernando’s mind was to cause SUAREZ in order to save the day.’

(Adverb) Describing a frustrated state of mind where force is directed, deliberately and intentionally. For example, ‘The Uruguayan SUAREZedly prevented the ball from entering the goal posts.’

SYNONYMS; frustrate, prevent, stress, halt, oppose, challenge, resist.

ORIGIN – Root word is from the extinct Inca language meaning “an erratic young man with the tendency to frustrate the effort of all those who deal with him whether in peacetime or wartime”. SUAREZ, the entity otherwise known as Lius, so popularly called in Ghana because of the inscription on the back of his jersey, has become a household name.

Paul the Octopus steals the show

Who will forget the antics of Paul, the octopus that predicted the results of World Cup matches the Germans won and lost, and of course that of the final?

He beat several pretenders to the throne that included an Elephant and some other creature. Well, news is that the Spanish town of Carballino has given Paul honorary citizenship. Carlos Montes, the mayor of the north-western Spanish town visited Germany to bestow the honour on the octopus.

I know what you are thinking. How can some fish get all the luck? In fact, the Germans have so jealously guarded their octopus that they have decided to retire him. Let’s hope he is not destined for some restaurant somewhere. Otherwise, the outcry would be deafening.

In Zimbabwe, we do not have octopuses. But we do have little supernatural bearded men well known for their extraordinary strength and virility. We call them ondofa or tikoloshe (goblin) to you. They will put Paul to shame any day. This, however, is the subject of another article.