There’s a Zimbo in the boot!

THE life of this blog has been made all the more interesting by the contributions of countless readers who have shared their stories with me. We all know the theory of using humour as a coping mechanism, and I can assure you that of all nationalities, Zimbabweans come up tops.

Being one not to spoil a good thing, I have compiled a sample of what readers have sent to me in order to reinvigorate my creative juices. But as a tribute to them, I will not change anything and give it to you straight. Here goes:

There’s a Zimbo in the boot!

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won R5,000 as part of an Arrive Alive safety competition.

Being a Zimbabwean, the driver could hardly believe his luck.

“What are you going to do with your cash?” asked the traffic cop. “Well I guess I’m going to get a driver’s licence,” he answered.

“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He tries to be smart when he’s drunk.”

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned: “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the boot and a voice said: “Are we over the border yet?”

The cop fainted.

Wasu and the verb

Wasu goes to see the doctor early in the morning.

Wasu: Doctor I want you to do a small operation.

Doctor: It’s ok Wasu, just say what u want done.

Wasu: I was you to castrate me.

Doctor: That’s not possible Wasu, why do you want me to do that.

Wasu: Doctor I am paying you for this, what’s the problem? I said I need a castration operation.

Doctor: Do you know the operation is not reversible at all?

Wasu: I know that mhani, you are wasting time; just do it!

So the doctor proceeded with the operation and castrated Wasu. Three hours later, Wasu is still in the recuperating room with other patients who had undergone different surgery operations.

Being the social guy that he was, he decides to chat with others.

Wasu: Ko, babamukuru (uncle) what are you here for?

Patient: I had maulcers saka I was operated on but I’m better now.

Wasu to another patient: Ko, babamudiki what was done to you, young as you are?

2nd Patient: I was circumcised.

Wasu: Yes, Yes, Yes! That’s the verb that I was looking for!

With that he got off the bed and rushed to find the doctor.

Men are from Mars for sure

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.  And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!!! What was that?!” So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear: “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit.

We went into the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you … she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I hit her for six when I said: “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!

I then said: “Really honey! I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added: “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!!

Why work five days a week, not three?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially-reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder…

This last one really killed me. Did you ever stop and wonder if electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Or why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

It’s a strange, strange world.