IN A world where all sorts of news have become so depressing, doomsday preppers believe themselves vindicated, Zimbabwe with its own litany of nonsense still offers its original local content as some form of cruel diversion from ulcer-and-cardiac-arrest-inducing drama.
In a country where each day points to unending sorrow of not only job losses but also loss of life because of useless hospitals and clinics, from that dystopia has sprung daring opportunists, the Devil’s coin too good to resist.
From false prophets who have shown the Gospels the middle finger busy peddling falsehoods that are causing alarm and despondency about such fiction as “anointed pens” that will turn anyone suffering from incurable dyscalculia (trouble with Maths, to the unschooled) into a modern day Pythagoras to “anointed condoms” to n’angas claiming to make the human immune deficiency virus disappear, Zimbabwe has become a breeding ground for daring confidence tricksters and charlatans.
But this has also extended beyond the spiritual realm where losers who have never known employment simply wake up one day and claim to be operatives of the feared spy crew and fleece unsuspecting law abiding citizens. You see, it pays being a government spook, and every Zimbo seems to be spooked shitless by these spooks.
Claim you are a cop or CIO and you are in easy street. Claim you are the child or relative of a government minister, top cop or top soldier or top Joe and you are guaranteed pockets and wallets and legs of starving beauty queens and naïve schoolgirls will be opened wide for easy pickings.
But apparently the ultimate twin winners are claiming you are either a veteran of the 70s bush war or you are a member of Zanu PF. But like those douche bags who sit and doze during cabinet meetings, they are nothing but ZINOs (Zanu In Name Only, if at all).
I know some clown from the neighbourhood who did just that; went about claiming he was a CIO clown busy gulping free lager in neighbourhood shebeens. You see, this Mushona hung out with cops from the local police station and obviously had first hand info what benefits could be derived from claiming to be part of the oppressive state apparatus.
It wasn’t until one shebeen king complained to other kinsmen who in turn bit the ears (not Iron Mike style but metaphorically speaking dum dum) of equally rogue cops that one of their own was bankrupting this illegal enterprise by dropping in anytime even 12 midnights to demand a drink or ten.Advertisement

No, he’s not C-10, he was told. But he still could not claim hundreds of dollars in imbibed free lager from the impostor. All he could do was a carry a grudge. Yet others have done worse in the name of CIO and ZRP. Only recently two daring loafers got hold of a ZRP traffic outfit and mounted their own roadblock and (no surprises there) demanded toll fees from clueless motorists.
As for claiming Zanu PF ties, it’s as gross as it gets. Dismissing Zanu PF colours is undermining the head of state and government because Robert Mugabe is Zanu PF, government and the state all neatly balled into one. There I said it, balled. L’etat c’est moi!
Why hell, you cannot even laugh at the head of state and government no matter how ridiculous he looks at 92 trying to perform the same duties he performed in 1980 when he was 56. The man certainly ain’t a steed, pity his nubile bride. Yes, nubile. Wasn’t the top soldier caught on camera ogling at her buttocks?
You only have to read the courts pages of our papers to get the sense of the chaos that has become daily fare in the lives of long suffering decent folks. It looks like the more people endure unending poverty, the more ridiculous the crimes they commit.
But is it not ridiculous when folks kill each other over opaque beer, or any kind of beer for that matter. Only recently a dude had his head bashed with a stone after he told other villagers not to pass the calabash to a fellow who was accused of not contributing to purchase the brew.
The uncontributing dude thought it the height of disrespect for anyone to tell him he cannot have a free sip, if not gulp. He is rotting in prison for murder. Or this chap who stuck an okapi into the belly of another chap because he refused to play the killer’s favourite tunes in the pub sound system.
But why that anger? You certainly don’t need scientific understanding to explain that Zanu PF nonsense has turned people into wild feral bastards with no regard for the sanctity of life.
Imagine the boiling anger of a lover of all things intoxicating watching each day small boys enjoy their brew but he cannot join in on the sucking. He calls them arrogant fools because they don’t want (in fact cannot afford) to buy him some.
So each day, like those gun nuts in the US, he swears that one day they are gonna have it. And before he leaves his hovel, he packs an okapi ready to puncture the belly of folks who have denied him a share of sgodokhaya. True story.
Still at the courts. Or the story of an poor elderly mama who sees no problem pimping her 13 year-old mzukulu in exchange for anything that will buy her a loaf of bread if not a piece of ration beef, the cheapest for any Zimbo yearning for the whiff of mombe meat in their kitchen.
Or the phony indigenous businessman who lives a stinking lie, sends his son to one of the most expensive city schools. His pursuit of keeping up appearances will only get him nothing but trouble but he is the type that doesn’t give a @#*&.
When he failed to raise a thousand bucks for the small boy’s fees what does he do? He forges an RTGS bank transfer purporting to have paid fees. Obviously he is nabbed! Traumatizing a child in pursuit of fake middle-class comforts. Idiot.
But then these tales come a dime a dozen and you begin sifting through the country’s immediate independence social history to find out if folks were that desperate for a good life then they would do anything to cheat the system.
Of course corruption has always defined Zimbabwe’s political space, but the ordinary folks have somewhat tried to live honest lives. It is these pretentious nouveau riche air-heads who will sell their testicle to dine with the devil who have come to define the brazen pursuit of wealth. They have thrown all morality through the Zanu PF headquarters window.
These are the kinds of “businessmen” who would fill Chinese prisons, but that is certainly one thing that RGM has refused to learn from Xinping about how to deal with corrupt bearers and claimants of the revolution badge. In fact, the gross your corruption, the higher the elevation in both party and government rungs!
Ample acres of newspaper space have been spent since donkey years about senior party toads owning astounding real estate and, elsewhere, they would have cowered and retreated from public space in shame. But here, they hold their heads high and wonder what the fuss is all about!
Why hell, some dumb young bozo did say that he is Zanu PF to get rich! How, it does not matter. Getting rich here means grabbing a white man’s thriving business and claiming it as yours much like that witch once married to the top soldier.
A foolish young man, a terrible example of how useless university education has become, said “ah my friend, let’s join Zanu PF so we can eat!” A university student saying that! No need for hard work as long as you are a Zanu PF affiliate.
I met him recently and almost laughed looking at his protruding cheek bones, a sign of sure hunger. University graduate my ass.